Why “why” works one way

Two TILs in one:

The company I work at is big on “start with why”. There’s a book and a TED talk and it’s a simple and powerful idea, namely that we follow leaders not because we have to, but because we want to, and the “why” is the way we connect desire to action.

BUT! It only works one way. When you ask someone else a question that starts with “why”, it can easily make them become defensive, which makes it harder to uncover the answer you’re looking for. Even though your genuine intent is to uncover the desire behind the action, by asking “why” you’re implying that you don’t understand the desire, and therefore you don’t (currently) agree with the action. It’s worse if you’re very smart, because if even a smart person doesn’t understand, the idea must be terrible! This is all highly illogical captain, but it describes much of the world.

Instead of asking “why”, try framing your question as “what is it about … ?” or perhaps “what factors made you choose … ?” You might be able to feel the difference. By moving from “why” to “what”, you’re moving your challenge away from the person and their thinking, and towards the environment you share together. Rather than pointing at them, you’re standing by them and looking together at the situation. Try it, and see how it changes the answers you get.

[In Japanese this has a lovely flavour. Toyota famously built the “5 Whys” into their engineering practice. なぜなぜ分析, naze naze bunseki - literally something like “why, why, divide-and-examine”. Here too, the word choice is doing work: I gather that naze is the formal, impersonal “why,” used for systems and situations—akin to “what is it about …?”. Japanese has other words for “why”—doushite, nande—that feel personal, pointed, closer to “how come you … ?” Toyota chose the why that points at the machine, not the engineer; English doesn’t have that nuance.]